Category: Humor

Vacuum Racing (Technique Tips#1)

 

vacuum racing prep
Preparing for race day

 

The image above shows two Outsects practicing for the “Vacuum Races”. Two techniques are on display. The Outsect on the left is demonstrating the “Graceful Arch Approach” with their electrical cord while the Outsect on the right is showing off the extremely tricky “Lasso Hoovering Technique.”

  • Government Health Advisory: Following complications with suspended light fittings Lasoo Hoovering should only be conducted in rooms with high ceilings. The wearing of a crash helmet is recommended.

Outsects Skate-Brooming by the Light of the Moon

Outsects Skate Brooming by the Light of the Moon
Outsects Skate Brooming by the Light of the Moon

As you know flying on broomsticks is as old as twigs. For centuries, broomsticks have been flown in the classical style. This old-fashioned approach involves sitting astride the broom handle (notoriously uncomfortable!) Outsects have quietly brought broomstick riding back to prominence by adopting skateboarding techniques. They stand on the broom handles and achieve scary heights and astonishing speeds. (Worry-warts would probably suggest one should wear a parachute when skate-brooming, just saying.)

Motorized Hobby Horse Racing

Ousects on hobby horses
Outsect racing hobby horses (1)

Motorized hobby horse racing is a popular sport amongst Outsects. The hobby horses are propelled by small engines, e.g. a lawn mower, weed wacker or moped engine will work. Law dictates that riders must wear helmets and the current trend in helmet design is inspired by Medieval Knights.

Outsects racing hobby horses (2)
Outsects racing hobby horses (2)

The New Trend: Bouncing Desks

Outsects and their Bouncing Desks
Outsects and their Bouncing Desks

Over recent years, standing desks have become increasingly popular. Well, now Outsects are promoting the health benefits of fresh air and thrilling exercise gained from the use of the bouncing desk.

SpaceHoppingOutsect
The classic “Space Hopper”

Bouncing desks closely resemble the Space Hopper. The Bouncing Desk is weighted in such a way that it always lands the “right way up” thereby protecting the computer and screen. (Outsects recommend use of a wired mouse following complaints from dog walkers being hit by falling wireless mice.)

If you have a window with good egress, you can simply bounce out when you want fresh air. The best bounce can be achieved by bouncing from a decent height, and the top deck of a multi-storey car park can work well for bouncing purposes. Those with deep pockets can order the Bouncing Desk Cannon, a convenient method for shooting yourself skyward from the comfort of your garden or local park. There are rumors that Amazon will be selling Bouncing Desk Cannons with an accompanying smartphone app. The downloadable app will allow you to detonate the cannon yourself.

OutsectCannon1

Invisible Outsects!

I recently downloaded a trial version of ToonBoom Harmony an animation program and set to work on animating Outsects. I drew the Outsects in black on a white background and added colored butterflies. When my masterpiece was complete, I exported the animation into a format that I could share with the world. It was converted to a Quicktime movie, and I was very pleased with myself until I viewed the final product. For some reason, the animation saved with a black background. As a result, you can’t see all the work I did on my Outsects! This is my very first attempt at animating Outsects (or anything else for that matter). You will just have to trust me when I say I had 102 Outsects running around waving butterfly nets!

Surfing Fiddlers

Outsect Surfing Fiddlers
The Surfing Fiddlers

Outsects tip their fiddles and synchronize surfboards to pay homage to Katsushika Hokusai and his woodblock print “The Great Wave off Kanagawa”.

Notes: This picture started out as a light pencil drawing followed by watercolor paint, and the lines were then picked out using pen and ink. In the original I painted the sky as an afterthought and promptly regretted the decision and put the picture out of sight. Recently, I retrieved the image and decided I still liked the idea of surfing fiddlers and opted to scan it. Once I had “the Surfing Fiddlers” in my computer, I removed the sky using Affinity Photo (an excellent alternative to Photoshop owned by the avaricious Adobe Company). Next, the surfboards were tweaked (in the original these were all a muddy flat orange). Using the “Flood Select Tool”, Affinity’s alternative to Photoshop’s “Magic Wand”, I removed the watercolor paint from the surfboards and then recolored them using the “Gradient Tool”. These changes helped to give a more 3D look to the surfboards, and now they look as though they are shiny and as we all know “shiny” things move fast.

Original Surfing Fiddlers
Original Surfing Fiddlers